Selflessly Selfish

Over the last 7 years I have been through many life changes, personal struggles and traumas. The one thing that has remained constant has been my training and within the last 3 years, competing in figure. Because I was so depressed for so long, beating my body up in the gym and taking my physique to such a level has been the one thing I have been able to direct the negativity in my life towards.

I often find myself getting infuriated when my dedication is questioned or when something affects my training. I feel embarrassed admitting this because I sound like one of those self absorbed, narcissistic competitors I detest so much. The reality is that I am an unselfish person in a selfish sport, and I do feel guilty for my training getting in the way of relationships with friends, my family and partner. I often feel like it is all I have to get me through my hardest of emotional times. But the problem is, I find myself lashing out at times and it is not fair to others. I remind myself constantly that I CHOOSE to put my body through this and use this sort of self-induced abuse to heal my current internal abuse. Sounds sick doesn't it? (laughing)

I cannot expect others to understand that it is more than just wanting to look a certain way, more than wanting to compete in an aesthetically driven competition but rather, it is my medium of therapy. Perhaps part of all this is a dependency I have created. There is more to it than that, but I accept it is an element.

The point is, I need to keep in perspective that most people will not understand the deep layers to my training to compete in a physique sport and even if they did, they most likely WOULD NOT CARE! I need to remind myself that the close people in my life love me and just want to see me succeed and be happy ... however that can be attained. Nobody is questioning why I am competing, so why feel it necessary to explain how training for figure is a redirection of my current internal conflicts? If that is the reason, I could always get real therapy. It is easy to fall into the "nobody understands, nobody cares" cry baby mentality and I refuse to let myself sit in it. I do what I want to do and people don't question it, just support it... at least, those that matter.

Time to get it together and stay focused!